Sometimes hiding our true selves can be easier than sharing. How often have you told me someone you were fine when you weren't? How many times do you give an answer you think someone wants to hear rather than a real answer with real feelings? We have all done it and for some, it becomes a habit, a mask that is hard to remove. It can be scary to be honest with someone about how we feel, so it becomes easier and more natural to hide. Over time though, we can begin to lose ourselves and who we really are.
In counselling, part of building a relationship comes from being congruent, or authentic. If we can be real with our clients, hopefully, they will one day be able to be real with us. That is not to say we have to be real all the time, but allowing some authenticity into a relationship can help it grow. It is usual to be a little reserved when meeting someone new, even as a counsellor, I would hold back parts of myself until a therapeutic relationship had started to develop. I think it would be hard to develop a relationship with someone who showed their whole self all the time. But that doesn't mean I don't bring the real me, it is just boundaried in the beginning, to keep myself and my clients safe. So I would never expect complete congruence from a new client, I need to build trust and ensure they feel safe in the counselling space before they will even think about removing the mask.
Being honest about how we feel can sometimes be seen as a flaw too, something we need to work on because, if we don't really want to do something, what might others think of us? At work we might be seen as not pulling our weight, with friends we might hurt their feelings and with family, we could cause friction. But it also might not be seen that way. It could be refreshing to be able to say how we really feel about something or to say no. And if others see us doing that, they might feel okay to try it too. If we can accept the real feelings of those around us, maybe they could accept ours.
Authenticity is a continuous journey, it is about developing self-awareness and understanding of who we are and who we want to be. Being true to ourselves can be challenging, so we need to allow the flexibility of practicing until we feel able to offer who we are to those we trust and holding back when we need to feel safe.
Most importantly, be kind to yourself.